The Shifting Sands - Pt. 7
Pt. 1 : A Fixed Point in the Cosmos | Pt. 2 : My Life for Yours | Pt. 3 : Forgive Me | Pt. 4 : Robin's Journal, July 21 | Pt. 5 : Embracing Nature | Pt. 6 : Enjoy the Silence
Bounds of Love"What are your demands?"
“Demands?” The tone in Peter's voice as he responded to Celeste's pointed question told me he was just as taken aback as I was. “I have no demands,” he stated evenly, looking at her with an expression of near disbelief.
Celeste nodded. “Then I ask for the estate. To keep the children. You may see them whenever you want, but this is my home.” Her gaze flicked from Peter to me and back again. I was glad her eyes did not linger on me long because I had to fight to keep my expression neutral. Remaining silent for a moment, I was considering how best to reply, to tell her how I felt about things, but she turned and left the room without speaking another word.I stared after her, partly in shock, partly in anger. Did she just... I couldn't even finish the thought. Whether she had intended to or not, Celeste had left without giving my own feelings toward her any consideration.I love you. The space she had occupied empty, I saw her there in my mind's eye and considered whether or not to chase after her, explain myself. But then I wondered... If I needed to explain, I suppose she had never really understood. I stood at the precipice of indecision, my weight resting on the balls of my feet as though to propel me forward.
“I guess this is goodbye, then.” Peter's words, and his subdued tone, pulled me out of my reverie. I turned to look at him and saw the tears glistening in his eyes.
Without a second thought I moved closer and wrapped him in my arms, my head resting against his shoulder. "Lover mine, I know how hard that must have been. I am sorry. We wondered how she would react..." I trailed off, knowing that there was no need to repeat our earlier discussion.
He nodded and circled his arms around me. "I know we did. But now I simply do not know what to make of anything. I do not know what to do, lover. I simply do not."
Silence stretched between us for a long moment as I considered my reply. "I can't tell you, lover. I am...trying to see any arguments against this, besides her love for him and I keep coming up blank. In the future, integrating makes more sense than continuing the dual existence. Now is the first time you have felt ready to consider it, but holding off on it for her sake won't change how you feel about it. I'm at a loss."Peter nodded. "I am not reconsidering this. It is what makes the most sense to me as well. And I shall not change anything about my decision. I am certain this is the right thing with every measure of my soul, lover.""If it brings you peace, then it is most certainly the right thing to do. Ignore me, ignore Celeste, and if you feel this is what you should do, what you want to do, then it is that simple."Peter's arms wrapped tighter around me. "She asked only for the estate and the children..."That wasn't what I'd expect him to say, but I suppose I should have. My voice was quiet as I spoke. "In a way this would be simpler, if she does not make an issue of me. And I would be lying if I told you that it does not sting, a bit...but then again, she never really understood me."He sighed and nodded. "I know, maestro."Looking up at him, I smiled. "It's alright, lover. There is less at stake for me to lose in regard to her now. She can't hurt me like she did a few weeks ago. I haven't let her back in that deep, not by a long measure.""I do not blame you, but still..." Peter hung his head slightly and avoided my eyes. "Maestro...I am so very sorry. I am. In some regards...I wish she would have fought. I..." He shook his head. "Gods, I feel terrible, maestro. I do. I am sorry, my lover."I pulled back slightly to reach out and touch his cheek, directing his gaze back to mine. "Stop. Do not apologize." My eyes looked into his intently. "I have never lied to you, Peter, and I do not intend to start doing so now. When I tell you it stings, yes, it stings, but I have no regrets. I would have been content letting things try to mend between Celeste and I, but I was being cautious in it. Right or wrong, I know what I feel in my heart. And, yes, I will miss her, in a way, but I will not mourn her."Peter nodded and leaned close, his lips pressing gently against mine in a kiss that lingered for a few tentative seconds. His eyes regarded me carefully as he pulled away. "I have absolutely no regrets either, my lover. I do not think upon what was lost with any heartache, merely a sorrow that others have been hurt throughout all of this." He sighed, looking away for a moment but turning his gaze back to stare deeply into my eyes as though he could communicate in a way other than simple words. "This man right here, who stands before me right now, is everything I have ever wanted and everything I need." His has reached out and touched my cheek. "Please tell me right here and now what I can do to deserve the love you possess for me and I would do it. I would present it right here before you, my lover, and love you for all eternity."The focus of my eyes shifted between each of his as I regarded him carefully for a moment, but then a smile slid onto my expression. "All I would ask is that you be true to yourself, Peter, in all things from now into eternity, and stand by my side along the way as we share our lives together."He smiled back at me, all traces of tears gone. "I am quite looking forward to being myself with you, my maestro. And I shall stand by you throughout anything, no matter what." One of his hands found mine and twined our fingers together as his expression sobered slightly. "My eternal maestro, this is all I have desired. Not that I did not try to work things out. I swear to you on everything I am, I have been trying as hard as I could. Being with you, though, is hardly a consolation prize. You have always been a dream come true to me and I promise to treasure you for who you are." He smiled again. "I intend to make you deliriously happy for the rest of eternity."I had to grin. "I have absolutely no objections to that, lover."___________I woke the next morning, the bed almost unfamiliar for how long it had been since I'd last slept in it and currently empty save for me. But Peter's scent seemed to be everywhere, wrapped around me, and I couldn't help but smile.My smile faltered when my thoughts suddenly turned to Celeste and the last words I exchanged with her. I had wanted to chase after her, to say something, to talk to her on my own and tell her precisely how I felt.But I hadn't.I can't really explain it, why I hadn't, other than the fact that my sentiments were wounded by what I interpreted as her essentially ignoring me, what my feelings might have been towards her, aside from my thoughts regarding Peter merging himself with Flynn. I wondered if she had even bothered to stop to think: "If Victor does love me..."Sitting up, I ran my hand over my face and then settled onto the edge of the bed as I considered yesterday's events, her words, all over again. Even looking back on it with a measure of rationale, with my initial reaction of hurt done and over, no matter how I considered it nothing she had done, or said, suggested that my love for her was even a thought in the periphery. Which meant, in my mind, that all the times I proclaimed it...that the day prior when I shared her bed and her blood and told her I wondered what I had done to deserve the love she had for me and how much I loved her back...that it might as well have never happened."Ich liebe dich, mein Sirene. Ewig."And I meant it."I love you, my siren. Eternal."Was I expecting too much? I stared into the distance of the darkened room, unseeing, my mind's eye going over the scene and looking at it through all the angles. Celeste had been wounded, this I knew. She loved all three of us, Peter, Flynn, and I. There was no denying that what we had told her had been a very large blow. Peter coming to the decision to merge himself with Flynn... Not loving her any longer...Thinking through it, I was still uncertain where Celeste's thoughts might have been. What I knew was that she had left me there, in the room with Peter, not even caring to look at me beyond a glance before she walked away. I bridled my tongue, yes, and did not give chase, but I have always been sincere when I express my sentiments. There should have been no doubt that I loved her, regardless of everything else. But her departure seemed to say that she either doubted my love for her, or thought that I would write her off to be only with Peter.The truth was, that had never been a question. My mind flashed back to the conversation I'd had with my lover, when I had confronted him about his feelings toward Celeste...
____Peter had all but collapsed onto the floor, and sat with his back to the wall while I kneeled beside him. My eyes closed as I hesitated one final moment before asking. But I had to know for certain. "Do you still love her, my poet?" His eyes clenched shut and he hugged his knees to his chest, tears flowing freely down his cheeks. "No, maestro... I do not." A shudder visibly passed through him as he answered. "I felt for her and thought my care for her meant I yet loved her, but with her back, I have been..." He shook his head. "I keep thinking about the simplicity of those few days and nearly mourn over them. I try to reach out to her, but find myself falling short. I try to feel her in my heart, but I do not feel her there. God, I am sorry, maestro. I am sorry." Peter buried his face in his hands.
I fell silent for a long moment, sifting through the implications, what would have to happen. As the quiet stretched between us, Peter interjected softly, "I have let you down, I am certain. and I cannot take back what I have done."Surprised at the words, I shook my head before realizing he couldn't see it. A sad smile touched my lips and I took both of Peter's hands in mine as I replied aloud. "No, lover. You have not let me down." I sighed. "Truth. I have seen the signs that you do not love her. I did not wish to say anything, but it has been building to a head ever since we came back. She was so careful with me, but did not take the care to mend the wounds she inflicted on you. I knew." My gaze turned softer. "So no apologies. No fault. I love you, Peter, and that has not, will not change." He leaned forward, touching his forehead to mine. "I would die for you, Victor. I love you with every ounce and every fiber of my being and I shall always love you, through years and decades and centuries. I cherish you, lover, and shall eternally." He sat back again and nodded. "But yes... her returning home was not as pleasant for me. She still shared with me her concerns and problems as though nothing happened. And while she has gotten better, it was strained for so long that the embers I once had smoldered and went out. I cannot make them come back, lover. I have waited and waited, but nothing happens."I sighed and nodded. "So what shall we do, lover..." My eyes closed and I hung my head. "What shall we do?"The touch of his hand to my cheek drew my eyes back to him as he shook his head. "You yet love her, maestro. I am not going to force your hand to do anything." He sighed. "This is simply the truth of how I feel."Swallowing hard, my hands trembled and I pulled them back, clenching them to fists as I stood up from my crouch and moved to look out the window. I stared out in silence for a long while before managing to speak. "I love her, but I am not in love with her. I would not even know the difference if it was not for what I have found with you, lover. I can live without her. I cannot live without you. This I also know." Falling silent again, I considered my next words. "I well remember those days with you, the simplicity. And then she wrote that letter. I confess, it touched me in a way I did not expect it to. I had been missing her, in a way, but I would never have come back to her." I smiled wanly and quoted from the poem I had penned in response what she had written me, "'Wound me, break me, shatter me, subject me...I choke on my pride as I cry out and beg for more' Those words, there, are the core of my relationship with Celeste. Not romance, not flights of fancy, not tender moments. Just raw connection. Something in her moves something in me." I sighed. "But it is bursts. It is not a constant. Some days I feel close to her, others not." Turning from the window, I looked back at Peter. "I suppose what I am saying, lover, is that it is up to you what you want to do in her regard. I do not want you to have to put on a facade for her. So...what do we do?"He drew in a deep breath and looked up to the ceiling. "And you see, I once had that connection with her, so I understand it well. I took the lumps again and again because I would rise at night and something about her would tantalize me into a level of awareness I was sorely missing. I had cauterized myself to ever feeling anything about anybody in order to survive what happened with Monica. Shut myself off to the point of numbness and became a ghost in the shell of a vampire. When I met Celeste, she woke me up and taunted me out of my shell into living again. She has that gift. She wakes something within you and you take the licks to come back for more." His eyes closed as he continued. "But then... I fell in love with you. And it was so completely and utterly different. It is that vitality I once had when I raced across a continent to find the one I loved. It encompasses my very soul and did more than wake me and shake me." When his eyes opened and I regarded the bright green irises once again, there was a tender intensity in them that seemed to reach out to touch something within me. "You, I am utterly and completely in love with. It is a breathing entity within me that has claimed my entire being, Victor. I would utterly and completely do anything and everything for you." He nodded to emphasize his next words. "Including stay here if you wish."I nodded slowly, frowned, then shook my head, my thoughts whirling at a dizzying clip. "My mind is all over the place," I said finally. "I keep taking three steps down one train of thought only to have to step back and look at it from another possible angle. But..." I trailed off, turning to Peter after another moment of silence. "That, right there, is telling. This is in my mind, lover. Not my heart. My sympathy for her, wanting to be fair to her, is not born out of my care for her, but out of me trying to be fair and balanced in this. If I am honest with myself..." The thought rolled around in my mind like the practiced swish of a glass of wine, and I nodded. "I am indifferent to staying. Truth. I don't really care one way or the other. I can make arguments for both in my mind, and my heart has been silent on urging one way over another."Peter nodded slowly, his eyes distant as he seemed to stare at the wall across from him, tears streaming down his face once more. "I would never wish for you to resent me, though, and if I dared make the charge that we go some place else, with things on the mend between you two, I would be muscling in and stealing you and would not be giving you both the chance to see what might have been." He swiped his hand across his cheeks. "I made a decision before. I advocated allowing her back... because I felt sorry for her and hoped this meant things would change. They changed for you, but that spark within me died."Moving close to him and kneeling down again, I took his hand in mine and twined our fingers together. "Peter, listen to me. If you wish to go, we will go. Run away with me, take me to someplace where the two of us can write and compose music in peace, just the two of us. I would harbor no resentment, I swear to you." I looked intently into his eyes, trying to convey my sincerity. "I swear it, lover. I know myself, I know my heart. If we walk away here, I will turn and embrace you with open arms, and love you, and cherish you, from now unto eternity, without regret. You are a part of me, lover, in a way that Celeste, will never be. And I am absolutely confident of that. She and I will never have what you and I do, no matter how many years pass between us. And for you, I would do anything. Just say the word, and I will walk away with you." Smiling softly, I nodded. "I will add this, though, before we say another thing about it. If we stay, you need to tell her how you feel. If she can accept that, then we will think about staying. But I will not watch you pretend things are other than what they are. There is no joy in that. Be friend to her, if you can, but don't make a mockery of what the two of you shared by pretending to it when it is gone."He looked at me for a long moment and then nodded slowly. "You are right. If nothing else, I must be honest to her." Pulling me close, he kissed me gently. "I love you, Victor. Now and always... Eternally. I shall always love you..."I kissed his forehead. "And I love you, Peter. Utterly and completely. I will always love you." Feeling the need to explain something, I smiled softly and said, "I do not say things like that lightly, lover. These are words I have uttered to you and you alone, because they are how I feel for you and no other."His hand brushed across my cheek. "I feel them. In the marrow of my bones, I feel you right there, my eternal lover."My lips found his, kissing him softly and lingering for a long moment before I pulled away to look deep in his eyes. "You are a part of me, my poet. One that I will be eternally glad for. I love you for who you are, and want nothing more than to share my life with you." I smiled sadly. "But you do need to tell her. I will be there at your side if you wish. And..." Hesitating a moment, I said, "I have something else to confess to suspecting. The fact that you have been at peace, that Flynn has been dormant..." I regarded him carefully. "Flynn loves Celeste, and it was the one constant in his existence, until recently. I think that something changed for him that night on the veranda, when Celeste demanded peace from all of us. I don't know what, or why, but I can't help but think that it is a contributing factor to him being quiet...perhaps even that he is seeking for integration for his own reasons." I smiled wanly. "Or I could be entirely off base, I do not know. Merely a suspicion."Peter nodded and managed a smile. "Perhaps you are right, lover. He has been rather indifferent himself toward her. Heaven only knows because he will not tell me. I mention integration and he nods and shrugs. He puts up absolutely no resistance to the whole thing." His hand found mine and held it tightly as he looked into my eyes. "Please, be with me, my lover. As for what you are to me..." He moved and I felt his kisses touch my forehead, my cheeks, and then lastly my lips. "You... are the world found in its purest essence. You are the pulse of my silent heart and I swear to you, each and every evening for all eternity, my love for you will remain steadfast, true, and honest. I love you, Victor."I smiled back at him. "And I love you, Peter."
_____
I sighed, then shook my head, pulling myself out of the melancholy. I knew part of the reason this wasn't simple was the very real, and ever-present blood bond I had with Celeste. Her life, humming in the background of my consciousness...eternally. This was why my kind rarely took vampire lovers. The power it gave them over us. But I well remembered why I had done it. Celeste and I had loved each other.There was a sound that came from down the hall and I lifted my eyes to the doorway. My thoughts turned to the other blood bond, the one that was an almost constant source of wonder. Even with Peter at my side until the end of time, I doubted I would ever be able to fully map the depths of my feelings for him. It was as though he was a part of me, that he was in my very soul. Thinking back to when I first met Peter...Poet...I had to chuckle. Who would have guessed the winding road would have led here? To us loving one another? I had first counted him as a friend despite some rocky exchanges between us. Then brother as my relationship with Celeste developed and they welcomed me into their family. I had never expected, when this all began, that there might be a chance for something more. I have had male lovers so it is not as though the concept was foreign to me, but Peter was young and still very much clinging to a large portion of his mortality.But I hadn't questioned it at all as things developed between us. And I still remember his nervousness, that first time he'd kissed me. How quickly things can change...Another burst of sound echoed down the hall and prompted me fully out of bed. Walking to the closet, I dressed quickly, leaving my tie draped around my neck as I left the room and headed into the main part of the house. And there he was, looking over my stereo system and flipping through the playlists I had arranged for it. He hadn't noticed me yet and I took a moment to let my eyes drink in the sight of him as my fingers finished threading my tie and pressed my collar down into place.I stepped up behind him and slid my arms around his waist, placing a kiss on his shoulder in the process. "Good morning, my poet. I trust you rested well." He leaned back into my embrace and I had to smile as I listened to his reply.However I had ended up here I know, beyond the shadow of any doubt, this is where I want to be.Now and always, Peter. I am yours. I love you.Fin
